Another for Bre

This past weekend, I attended the funeral for one of my best friends.

That’s a tough sentence to read. It was even tougher to write. And the physical act of saying goodbye was heartbreaking. Bre and I didn’t know each other our whole lives…in fact, we became friends just over a year from the end of hers, but that doesn’t really matter. She loved everyone, and saw the best in everyone. She sought me out as a friend, despite the battle that she was facing, and was relentless in her pursuit of that friendship. I remember the first time that we hung out, she was asking me all about my life, my family, my friends, my love life, my job, my hobbies, everything. She just wanted to get to know me, and she cared. And while I was sitting there babbling on about my life, I kept thinking to myself “this girl has cancer, and all she wants to do is be my friend”. She didn’t talk about her cancer much, and I wasn’t going to force her to. Instead, I got to know this girl that was more than the cancer she was fighting. I got to learn about her love of photography [a quality we both shared], her love for music [shared that as well], her love for sushi and whiskey [shared that], her time in California, her friends, her family, and her heart for Jesus [another shared quality]. It was an instant and fast friendship. 

I knew that she was someone I genuinely wanted to be around. Her heart for others was inspiring. I can’t imagine going through what she was going through at 27, and still putting LITERALLY everyone before myself. It wasn’t long after our friendship began that Lindsay and Bre got introduced, and it’s no surprise that it happened at our favorite little place, Quigley’s. Quigley’s became the homestead for many of our hangouts and get-togethers. This is likely due to the Men’s Chorus of DuPage that would go there on Tuesday nights, and serenade the entire bar. When they found out that we sang, we all became honorary members. One of my favorite memories of Bre, has recently become the night that she met the guys, and they sang a song to her, and all she could do was smile and laugh. And her laugh was infectious. Once she started, it was hard for her to stop…but it was ok, because you didn’t want her too. It was an amazing laugh.

One night, I had been having a rough day…or days, so Bre and Lindsay declared a girls night with music, and drinks. Bre picked up her guitar, and we all started singing. Not only did we decide to do it that night, but we wanted to do this all the time. We thought it’d be fun to start singing together. We created a playlist of songs to sing together, and Bre titled it “2 Blondes and a Ginger Angel.” That’s what she called me. Her ginger angel. That or Al Pal. That night before Lindsay and I left, Bre grabbed a piece of paper, and wrote the words “Dear Ginger Angel, we love you to the moon.” She drew a heart on it, they both wrote their initials, I wrote mine, and that is how “To the Moon” was founded. Over the summer when Bre had the first surgery on her brain, we decided to get “to the moon” in Bre’s handwriting, as tattoos. Of course, we wanted to include Bre. She loved the idea, and insisted that she was going to talk to her oncologist about it the very next day. Sadly, he couldn’t sign off on it. We were still hopeful though that it would happen one day.

In September, I had made the decision to move home. I went to Bre’s one day to catch up on things, and so I could break the news to her about my decision. She was so excited for me. She knew that my heart was in St. Louis, and that that was where I needed to be. She even sat down with me, and helped me pick out apartments. She was sad to see me leaving, but she knew that’s where God wanted me, and that the distance wouldn’t affect our friendship.

I moved in October, we had text each other a time or two; one of the times being after she had gotten released from the hospital. So when I went up at the beginning of November, there was no way I was going to NOT see her. When I got there she was just waking up from a nap, so she was a little loopy, but that may have been the most we have ever laughed together. She wrote me a song---a parody of “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. I have it recorded, and it is by far one of my most treasured pieces of media now. I told her about the apartment that I chose, and she was quick to remind me that it was the one that she liked the most. I told her about my job, and we just goofed off, and laughed some more. This was my favorite day with Bre. This was also the last day I would see her.

Over the year that I knew Bre, I grew incredibly close to her. It was many nights of laughter, many nights of listening to her perform with Grateful Gary and the Magic Bus [those guys adored her—for obvious reasons], and many nights of prayer, hope, and encouragement while sitting around a hospital bed. She became one of my best friends. I love tattoos, but I don’t get tattoos for just anyone. But on Friday, the morning of Bre’s visitation, Lindsay and I went and did what we had hoped to do with Bre. We got “to the moon” in Bre’s beautiful handwriting tattooed on us so that a part of her is always with us.

I miss her. She fought a good fight, and if anyone was going to beat it, it was going to be Bre. Her resiliency was inspiring, and her love for others made her a one-of-a-kind human. I think that’s why God called her home. She was an angel among us, and she didn’t deserve to suffer anymore. Her heart had such a capacity to love others and to show His love, and the legacy she has left here will never be forgotten. I love you, Breanna Jean! To the moon! 

mine:also mine:lindsay's

For Breanna Jean

The day that I met you, you sought me out.

You made me your friend in a minute. 

I accepted without a doubt. 

You told me your story, and smiled through it all.

You entrusted your life to Jesus.

Your positivity left me in awe. 

Your life was a model of how we should be.

You thought of Jesus first, others second,

And then you thought about Bre. 

We spent time eating sushi, singing songs,

Laughing, crying, sipping on whiskey,

And talking about where boys went wrong.

You fought like a warrior, a soldier going to war.

You kept your head up, and fought with a smile,

One that we all adore. 

But God didn’t need you to be a soldier down here.

He needed you with Him.
With no pain and no fear.

This is not goodbye. It’s I’ll see you sometime soon. 

I love you, and miss you beautiful friend.

I love you to the moon. 


BreStrong. BreFree.

I'm Coming Home...

I came to Chicagoland a little over a year ago now in full pursuit of what God had in store for me. I was just trying to go where He was leading me. And I don't think that I mistook that calling. I think there are many many reasons He led me to Chicago. I made friendships I never would have otherwise, and that will last forever. I was in a relationship that, at the end of it, forced me to realize even those who I thought would have the power to break me, failed to do so, because I'm stronger than the betrayal. And in that, have learned more about myself and my resiliency than I ever thought imaginable.

I'm learning that God's will sometimes just reveals itself just a little at a time. Back in July, my niece was born, and I was reminded of how amazing aunthood can be. I obviously had already known that with Grant, but when I got to hold Brooke, I remembered all of the days I spent with Grant when he was that age, and then realized I would miss those days with Brooke. Then, about a month later, I unfortunately was not able to make Grant's 3^rd Birthday. I've done long-distance relationships, and they're tough sometimes...but long-distance aunthood...it started wearing me down. I had already felt strongly before that point that I would not be living in Chicagoland for the rest of my life, so when the desire to leave made its first appearance in my head, it didn't take long for it to ignite a fire in my heart to pursue that, and to figure out where I wanted to go......home.

So with that all being said, this can serve as my formal announcement that I will be moving HOME...THIS WEEK. Because I apparently want to give myself a stressed-induced illness. And also because I accepted a job with TriZetto Provider Solutions, and my start date is October 24.

I cannot express into words how excited I am. I am beyond elated to be close to my family, my friends, my students, and St. Louis. I'll be moving into an apartment in downtown St. Louis, and be doing things for myself that I have been putting off for whatever reason, or whatever person.

To my Chicagoland friends, I cannot thank you enough for your friendship, your words of wisdom, and the memories [past, present, and ones to come]. I will be back to visit! I promise.

Lindsay and Bre, you are your own separate category. Thank you for being my spirit animals, and my Chicagoland people. I cannot imagine how lack-luster my social life would have been had you not been in my life. And Lindsay, I know you hate St. Louis...but you love me, so you WILL be visiting. Bre, keep your resilience as strong as your love for everyone. Although I will be four hours away, I will always be here for you. I love you both. To the moon.

To the Yusuf's...your love and hospitality that you bestowed unto me is something I cannot express enough gratitude for. Asad and Mariam, thank you for welcoming me into your home, and accepting me as part of your family for the past year. Nani Ma, thank you for your wisdom, influence, love, and support for literally ANYTHING I try to do. You truly are family to me, and my leaving will never change that. Laila, Adam, and Isa...you three have taught me so much about growing up, being a child, discipline, patience, dedication, and love. There will not be a day that will go by that I will not miss your laughter, smiles, and even your cries.

So, so long Naperville...it's been real.

I'm going home!

Happy Anniversary Bry and Ach!

In honor of my beautiful big sister's 1st wedding anniversary, I have decided to post the MOH speech that I so eloquently delivered, one year ago.

"Hi, I'm Ali, the MOH. I'm Bryanna's little sister. I met Bryanna 23 years, 11 months, and 25 days ago. For those of you who are able to do the math, that means my birthday is on Wednesday. I accept cards and cash of any amount. [pause for laughter]. Growing up, Bryanna and I were not the sisters to braid each others hair, and skip hand and hand smiling and giggling while doing so. It took about 15 years for us to get to that point. In fact, growing up, Bryanna was not my biggest fan, and as it's recently been revealed to me, I guess I wasn't hers either. Apparently, I had the tendency to be a little tattle-tale, but Bryanna definitely had the tendency to be a little mischievous. It took until I got into high school for us to really start seeing eye to eye on things. And by seeing eye to eye, I mean, having completely different likes and dislikes, and interests. It it's pink, Bryanna loves it...but me...not so much. If it's black, gray, or lacking in color, I love it...but Bryanna...not so much. If it's blingy, flashy, furry, sparkly, or covered in glitter, it's Bryanna. If it's plaids, solids, or anything lacking excitement, it's me. If it's a big, tall, burly guy, with a full beard, he's mine. If it's a fit, athletic, clean cut, and tan guy, he's Bry's. But somehow, through all of those differences in our personalities, we learned to be great sisters, and the best of friends. I have always been a fan of The Little Mermaid. Being the youngest daughter, with only older sisters, and love of singing, Ariel matched my personality. Bryanna, however, has always been Cinderella. She has always been waiting for her Prince Charming to come and sweep her of her feet. She's been waiting for that magical moment, with the pumpkin, and the fairy-godmother, and the talking mice...or maybe more-so the love and happily ever after that it brought to the beautiful princess. So for years, Bryanna has been waiting for her Prince Charming. But, I think she got her Disney movies confused, because today, she married Aladdin. But I think that's better. Aladdin had such a passion, and devotion to his princess that truly matches how Ach treats Bry. I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone look at my sister with so much love, so much devotion, and so much kindness. I've never seen her light up as much as she does when she talks about him. I have never seen two different fairy-tales mesh together so well. So Ach, big brother, you made your promises to my sister earlier, but I need you make a couple promises to me. If Wicked ever comes to the Oklahoma City Civic Center Music Hall, promise me that you'll take Bryanna to see it, since her Elphie can't be there to take her. Promise me that if you ever find something called a “chocolate burger” you will IMMEDIATELY buy it for her. For every road trip you take together, promise me that you will have a killer playlist with Nsync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, Michael Jackson, and Debbie Gibson on it. And if you ever go to Mexico, please make sure Bryanna is fluent in both Spanish, and sign language. And last but not least, please promise to remind my sister how much I love her, and how happy I am that she is being loved by someone as wonderful as you. 

So please raise your glass, as we toast to Bry and Ach, and their fairy-tale, happily-ever-after."

Happy Anniversary, Achraf and Bryanna! Love you! 

Happy 6 Months, Chicagoland!

Not too shabby, Chicago. Not too shabby.

Alright, friends, I'm going to be honest here.......it's taken me a while to put this together, because I've tried to find the best way to make sure I say what I want to say, without writing a novel. So I apologize for the delay.

The morning of September 6, 2015, I woke up with my car [and my dad's rental] packed full of all my valuables, like 80% of my clothes, and a very anxious heart. I hit the road on my way to my new home. The next day, September 7, 2015, I moved all of my belongings [that I didn't leave at my mom's house back home] into my new home in Naperville, IL.

My decision to move was not made to run away from something, or to run to something. It was a decision made after months and months of feeling a calling from God to be still, trust him, and know that He had big plans coming my way. And boy, was He right...

Six month later, and my life has changed so much. More than I ever could have imagined.

So, rather than typing out long, drawn-out paragraphs about my experience thus far, I'm going to type out a list of the things I've either A). Learned/Realized B) Remembered C) All of the above.

1. It doesn't matter how often I go home, I seem to always be missing my parents.
2. Pakistani food is amazing.
3. I miss fried chicken. And I mean good fried chicken. I miss Eagle's Nest.
4. I, however, have been compensated with very good, authentic Mexican food. Tacos and tortas. Tortas and tacos. Yes.
5. Sometimes it takes time to make GOOD friends. But it was worth the time I had to invest into that process.
6. It's ok to go do things by yourself [i.e. movies, mani/pedi, shopping, going to grab a drink, etc.]
7. Just because a church's beliefs are the same as yours, doesn't mean that it is the perfect fit for you.
8. My bosses are Pakistani, and three of my closest friends are Filipino, black, and Mexican. So ignorant, and racist comments make me sad.
9. This does not mean that I'm voting for Bernie or Hillary. Because I'm not. I don't know who I'm voting for. But I'm just saddened by the hateful ignorance that I've seen on TV, social media, and real life.
10. Fitness is important. It sucks sometimes. But it's important.
11. I love these children.
12. I miss my nephew. Pretty much all the time.
13. It's still easy being a Cardinals and Blues fan...and that's not going to change.
14. Quitting Mt. Dew cold turkey—a lot easier than I expected.
15. Find & surround yourself with people who challenge you, encourage you, and make you want to be a better person.
16. Shopping up here is no joke.
17. It's ok to challenge yourself. I've reaffirmed my beliefs, wants, needs, hopes, dreams, etc.
18. St. Louis is still my city.
19. Nashville is still my first home.
20. Chicago doesn't suck as bad as I thought it did less than a year ago.

It's been a great 6 months so far. Here's to many more.

[The people I kill my free time with...y'all are amazing]

Plus is Equal?

Ok, so there has been some controversy over Ashley Graham's pictures on Sports Illustrated. I typically don't do this...but I'm going to give my opinion on this. Ready or not...I don't really care.

Clearly not her SI picture...but I'm not posting those

So first off, I am a “plus size” girl. I have been for most of my life. I've had my moments when I've gained a bit, and lost a bit, and had been on that back and forth roller coaster for quite a while. Although I seem to be a fairly confident person (and I am...with most things), I have always struggled with my weight and body image issues.

I've had my “ups” when I feel confident in how I have looked—basically knowing I am overweight, but being ok with it, and accepting myself for who I am. And I've had my “downs” when I have gone through about every means of trying to lose weight (healthy or not), and being so unhappy with how I have looked. Regardless of how “down” I have felt, I've always disguised my discontent within myself. “Fake it til you make it." Basically, fake the confidence, and you'll be confident. Fake the content, and you'll be content.

But I was never fully content.

Now, this is not a post to sit here and bash all “plus size equality” stuff, or Ashley Graham. The girl is gorgeous, and she's a great model. As a “plus size” woman, I am happy to see the strides of acceptance that are being made. I will never judge a woman (or a man) for being “plus size”. I have no right to do so. So I won't. End of story.

HOWEVER, I am not content with staying a plus size woman.

Some of you may have noticed, and some of you probably didn't pay any attention. But over the past 2-2.5 months, I've started shedding some pounds. About 20 lbs to be extact-ish. To put it into perspective...I am currently the same size as Ashley Graham [if she is the size they say she is]. And lucky for me, I'm borderline being able to go down another size. That'll be the SMALLEST I have been in....well I just don't remember when. I was 1-2 whole pant sizes larger than my current size when I moved up to Chicagoland.

Me - January 2016 - same pant size as Ashley Graham

[Obviously not me] Ashley Graham

So why the change?

Honestly, I realized my problem. It wasn't “I'm plus size, so I'll never be equal.” Or “I'm plus size, so I'll never find a man”. Or “I'm plus size, so I'll never be beautiful”. And I hope none of my plus size friends ever buy into any of those thought processes. The realization of the need for change came for me when I started evaluating my family's medical history. Diabetes and cancer tend to cling to both sides of my family, and I didn't want to start dealing with either of those at a young age, and I realized that if I didn't start taking care of my health, those were only some of the issues I could face.

So my change didn't come from an outer need, but more so an inner awakening.

Although this body that God has given me is not the body I'll have in the kingdom, that doesn't give me the right to be destructive to it now.

I've also seen friends of mine that have struggled with size their whole life, but live very healthy lifestyles and have healthy diets, so I want to emphasize that it's not about the size.

For me, losing 20 pounds has been great because I feel better. Yes, I like how I look better now. But part of that comes from how I feel. My ankles hurt less, I can breathe better. I quit Mt. Dew [yup...you read that right]. I've tried it since, and have a hard time stomaching it anymore. So you're welcome, body, for keeping all of those nasty chemicals out.

It's taken motivation, dedication, and encouragement. And I've been blessed to have people up here to help me with that, and encouragement from my circle back home as well. I joined a gym. I changed my diet. I did a 1 month weight loss challenge, with a guy [yes, I know I was at an unfair advantage...that's why I lost...and he “cheated”...and I'm bitter]. And I've seen amazing results and don't want to revert back to who I was before.

October 2015 [Then]

January 2016 [Now]

I don't take a stand on the platform that “plus is equal”.

 Not because I disagree with it, but because as a “plus size woman”, I don't want to stay a “plus size woman”. And now I'm 20 pounds, and 2 pant sizes closer to no longer being one. 

Ali takes on Naperville

I've sat down to do this so many times now, and yet, I'm just now getting the determination to do so. But let's not act surprised about that.

When I announced that I was moving, I had quite a few people ask [or demand] that I keep people back home posted on how “life is” in Naperville. I've had...oh...a couple months now to settle and to really see how my life is going to be. So how is life in Naperville? Let me tell you...

[Lackey Vacation Family Photo Oct 2015]

[Isa and Adam]

You see, I have never in my life gone more than a few weeks without seeing my parents. Either of them. My dad is my rock, and my mom is my go-to person for pretty much every thing. I left behind my home. I left behind my sisters, and took myself even further away from Bryanna in Oklahoma. We currently live 11.5 hours away from each other, that's something we've never dealt with. It's been tough knowing that my sister Shannon, and my dad, and my mom get more 1-on-1 time with my nephew than I do. At this rate, I'll be the aunt he sees on holidays [if that]. I'll be giving up holiday traditions with my family, and the time I'm used to having with them.

I started a job where I took over for a nanny that the kids loved and adored [rightfully so...she was fantastic]. Isa only remembers life with her. Adi and Laila were smitten with her. So it can be a challenge. I'm the “new one”. The “replacement” with big shoes to fill.

My biggest struggle while being up there is not having my friends with me. I was used to having my best friend 5 hours away in Cincinnati. The only part that's different about that is now it's 6 hours away. But I still had 2 other best friends here that made that part of life easier. But I don't have them up in Naperville now. And it's going to take time to grow solid friendships from scratch.

[Isa Baby]

I have moved so many times in my life...and that's my way of saying that I'm lazy and don't want to take the time to count how many. But regardless of how many times I've moved, and how many houses I've lived in, I've never lived in an area that was so completely unfamiliar to me. Leaving behind the most wonderful group of friends, the most supportive and loving church family, and my ACTUAL family has been tough.

Everyone goes through major life transitions. Family, jobs, friends, moving, etc. I just so happen to be going through all of those at one time. And I am so thankful for all of this.

God has given me the most amazing opportunity. He's given me the chance to find a new part of myself that I didn't know existed. So yeah, I'm thankful.

Do I miss my family? Of course I do.

Do I miss my friends? Absolutely.

Do I miss my home? Yup.

[Laila]

Life up here is definitely not the same. But it's not supposed to be the same. This is a completely new chapter of my life. Things aren't supposed to the same. They're not supposed to be comfortable. When God calls us somewhere, He's typically calling us to step out of our comfort zone [and I'm not talking about going out in a public place proudly wearing your Cardinal's apparel when they're playing the Cubs in the playoffs—but I did that too]. He calls us to be stretched beyond what we're used to. Beyond the norm. Beyond what we are comfortable with. Coming from a town of...pretty much only white people, to living in a family of...non-white people is different. But so culturally rewarding. I mean, it's not like I had never been around non-white people. My two best friends are Filipino and Black. But I am regularly finding myself in social settings where I am the minority as the “white girl”. It's been probably the most enlightening and educating experience of my life though.

[The kiddos]

I live with and work for a Muslim family, and living with them during the atrocities being committed by ISIS has been great [and I am being genuine there], because their love, and their generosity, their openness, and their hearts are so quick to shut down ANY sort of prejudice that my stupid brain would think about mustering up. Y'all know that I love Jesus, and my faith is the most important part of my life, and this family has been so accepting of that. In fact, they've been more welcoming and more like a family than many Christians I've encountered in my life.

I've been reminded that regardless of distance, family is family. My mom will always be my mom. She will always be my go-to person for everything. My dad will always be my rock. Four and a half hours of distance isn't going to change that. The most beautiful part about this, is that I have a new family now too. I will always be a Lackey, but I'm now part of the Yusuf family, and it's a pretty amazing family to be a part of. Of course I miss my nephew, but I get to take care of three amazing children, all of which I have started developing a special relationship with. They make me feel like I am at home. They've embraced me as one of their own, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

 My job does not feel like a job. Although it can be exhausting, it is not the burdening feeling of work that I had before. Making friends has still been a struggle, but I have found a small group, I have my friends back home, I have my family back home, and I have my family in Naperville.

[Mantra]

Being a single, 24 year-old female, moving to a new city by herself sounds terrifying. But God has made it clear to me that I had no reason let fear interfere. God is greater than the highs and the lows. And His plans are greater than mine.